On love and dreaming big

Posted on July 20, 2011 by Akhila • 32 Comments

As a high school student, I dreamed of escaping my sleepy suburb, graduating college, and living in a different country each year. At age 16, my dreams were directed towards Europe, and my thoughts were filled with learning French in Paris one year, and exploring Greece’s picturesque islands the next.

In my senior year of high school, I set my sights squarely on the London School of Economics, and the school’s year-long study abroad program; three years later, a junior at Northwestern, I got on a flight, two bags packed to maximum capacity, barely able to contain my excitement at a year in London.

My photo of Tower Bridge, London, lovely at night.

That year in Europe turned out to be the best of my life. I fell in love with London’s multiculturalism, exquisite architecture, and my daily bus ride across the sun-dappled Thames. I loved the city’s thriving nightlife, the majestic sights of Parliament and St. Paul’s Cathedral, the free museums, and the kindness of people I met (and of course, their lovely British accents). I spent weekends hopping on cheap flights/buses/trains, staying in hostels, and befriending strangers in Dublin, Edinburgh, Athens, and Amsterdam. Most of all, I discovered my passion for social justice and international development issues. I discussed and debated in government classes, co-founded a student development think-tank and watched the trial of Thomas Lubanga at the ICC. I grew as a person and made incredible friends. I then did it all over again, spending the summer interning in Geneva.

A photo I took in lovely Montreaux (Switzerland), where I fulfilled my high school travel dreams

The dreams of a timid, 16-year old bookworm had actually come true, and sooner than I could’ve imagined. But there was one problem: as a high school student, I had forgotten to factor love into the equation.

Today, the wanderlust inside me remains, though I have tried to hush it as I live out the post-grad young-professional’s life in the nation’s capital. I still dream of traveling, working abroad — only now, my sights have shifted to South and Central Asia, where I would like to explore in depth access to justice projects in family, civil and criminal law, and the intersection with women’s rights. I also dream of attending the best law school I get into & the school I love the most — in a city that will offer boundless opportunities for someone passionate about human rights and “holistic advocacy.”

Following my dreams and my heart worked in college. But can it work now that love is in the equation?

My dreams are big, hairy, scary dreams. They are difficult to accomplish. They do not involve things like compromise, and “settling.” But at the same time, there is love. Love has given me a companion, a partner in life and work. Love has given me comfort and assurance, passion and confidence, laughter and tears. It makes me feel comfortable in my own skin — in who I am as a person. It inspires me to do better, achieve more, be a good person. My loved one is there for me to share joys and sorrows. But most simply: love makes me happy.

And yet, as a woman, I remain particularly sensitive to my emergent feminism and my belief in investing in my work and career. According to the incredibly successful Sheryl Sandberg, whom I have quoted before –

…”don’t leave before you leave.” This gets to the heart of why women don’t achieve more, in Sandberg’s diagnosis. Long before women begin to think about having children, before they even have a partner, women begin diminishing their career aspirations in anticipation of the day when they will need a better “work-life balance” (something, Sandberg laments, that is only discussed at women’s conferences). As a result, women stop seeking opportunities and achieve less early in their careers.

As a (budding) feminist, I refuse to “leave” before I have to leave. I have seen so many women completely change their careers, move to different countries, or just get any job to be with their loved one. But my question is: why should women always be the ones to sacrifice their careers, their opportunities to better the world in a tangible way? Correct me if I am wrong — but I do not see the same number of men change their job and move to where their loved ones are. I do not see the same number of men debating whether to pursue family/love or career/success. So, why must I?

I feel the burden not only of making decisions that resonate with my own goals, and my own desires to contribute to social justice — but also the burden of being a woman and so, hopefully someday serving as an example to my daughters and granddaughters. What example do I want to provide them?

The truth is, perhaps there is no easy solution to love and ambition. Being true to myself means admitting that regardless of my choice, I may not be fully happy — whether I pursue the best career/study opportunities, or follow love, I may wonder what lies on the other side. I may be missing love, or missing out on some incredible opportunities. The ideal for most of us women is to have both: be able to be with our significant others, love deeply, have a family, and yet pursue our big, hairy life goals.

But it’s never that easy, is it?

For all you ladies out there: do you feel that both love and career ambitions can be achieved together? If not, what would you choose? And why must we, women, always be making such choices?

Anonymous

I adore this post. And am sure that you have read a similar post by Roxanne about her own life of wandering and love (http://www.storiesofconflictandlove.com/2011/07/anchors-of-love.html).

I don’t think that women have to be the one to compromise in every instance. I was certainly lucky that I have a love that was willing to move to be where I needed to be. We made the decision together, but ultimately where we ended up was my choice. And now that things have worked out for him as well where we are living, that makes the fact that he is here / has been here now with me rather than somewhere else trying to move here, all that much sweeter.

It’s a tough job/school market right now, and opportunities for you and your loved one will not always line up, so I won’t deny (even as life is a bit rosy-colored in this department at the moment) that it’s always a struggle, always a question of what you are willing to make work in your love life and your career. For my classmates, I know of others who had their boyfriends move with them and find a job here or have boyfriends wait to find jobs in Chicago before moving in. Or have boyfriends that are in PhD programs across the country who will probably be staying long-distance throughout medical school.

Ultimately, my feeling is that my ambitions to do good and be the best physician-social changemaker that I can be are part of me and as such, my life partner has to accept that as part of the person that he is choosing to stay with and commit to. That commitment is no small thing, and I am blessedly lucky to have someone who is willing to do that.

Good luck.
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Yes, yes I loved Roxanne’s post! And interestingly, I guess I’ve been thinking of the same topics a lot recently because in a few months, I’ll have to start thinking about what decisions to make regarding my next step.
  
  I am so, so happy that things have worked out so well for you + your significant other. It is really good he was able to go to where you were and find a job he likes. I think for me, it becomes difficult because I don’t want to sacrifice/compromise on my dreams just yet and neither does my loved one. And of course, I want him to pursue his dreams too, whatever they entail, even if sadly they do not involve being in the same place as me. So, it’s difficult for me, but at the same time I know I won’t be happy for 4 more years without love. It’s hard to keep a long distance relationship going for so long.
  
  Best of luck in your journey and I think things are boding well for you
  - Anonymous
    
    Oh, critical piece of subtext you need to realize about where my love life is right now – we were long distance for three and a half years before we moved in together. Granted, we spent summers together (which is totally doable in law school and for college, allowed me to happily double-dip in the experiences available in New York and Chicago), but it can be done!
    
    Like I said in my original comment though, that sort of commitment is no small thing. But it can be done!
    - http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
      
      Wow, that definitely sounds difficult! I am impressed and it sounds wonderful that after such long distance, you managed to make it work and come together to a place that works well for both of you. For me, for law school, the additional complication is my desire to work internationally, so ideally I won’t be spending my summers in the U.S. at all. So, I guess for me choosing a law school where he is would be the best shot at being together. It’s just a hard decision to make!
http://www.giaghani.wordpress.com Gia Ghani

I’m really happy and proud that you wrote this post – I think it’s great that you conquered your fear and clicked ‘publish’!

I ask myself this question all the time, when the time is right, am I going to just get up and go to be with the man that I love? Why should I have to? Doesn’t the importance of my career stand equal with the importance of his? And after a long winded internal debate, I end up realizing that I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him to move for us to be together. Even though, that’s precisely what would be required of me. I have no good answer to this question and I really wish I did.

But I do believe that eventually, you end up prioritizing either love or ambition first and then once that is settled, you focus your energy onto whichever came in second. But I hope that however it pans out, for all the women struggling with this, we find a way to be fully happy.
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  That’s exactly how I feel right now. I want the BEST and brightest opportunities life can offer for both myself & my love. But, it might mean that he finds the best job elsewhere and I get into a top school in another city. What should we do in this situation? We’re only 22 & 23, we’re not at the point to begin sacrificing our career for a relationship just yet. At the same time, loving someone deeply & staying long distance for years puts a strain on even the strongest relationship. It’s difficult, it’s unpleasant, it’s lonely, it’s sad. I don’t want to sacrifice the happiness of a relationship nor the excitement of a successful career or perfect job opportunity. I want both of us to succeed.
  
  There really is no easy answer, right? I hope we find a way to be fully happy, too. Women of our generation are going to come up against this dilemma more and more frequently as the world is globalizing, young people are moving across the country or world to find new & exciting work opportunities… long distance is becoming more and more common. These types of decisions are becoming sadly, common as well.
Geet

Hi Lovely post. Thank you for sharing!

I agree as a woman its difficult. We are naturally burdened with decisions like this and society thinks its better to give women the choice because they wont disturb the balance.

I had to make a decision too when I moved back to follow my dreams. It was not an easy decision and even though I am positive it was in the right direction, anything could go wrong and I would be missing out on love. (I might even be blamed for it)

I feel the man in my case was brave enough to give me the confidence to go after what I wanted and that he would support me and follow. I know there isnt an ideal scenario in this situation, but reading your post I realized I am a lucky girl and I do have somebody who regards me an equal in every way.

Good Luck on your journey!
Geet

Hi Lovely post. Thank you for sharing!

I agree as a woman its difficult. We are naturally burdened with decisions like this and society thinks its better to give women the choice because they wont disturb the balance.

I had to make a decision too when I moved back to follow my dreams. It was not an easy decision and even though I am positive it was in the right direction, anything could go wrong and I would be missing out on love. (I might even be blamed for it)

I feel the man in my case was brave enough to give me the confidence to go after what I wanted and that he would support me and follow. I know there isnt an ideal scenario in this situation, but reading your post I realized I am a lucky girl and I do have somebody who regards me an equal in every way.

Good Luck on your journey!
Geet

Hi Lovely post. Thank you for sharing!

I agree as a woman its difficult. We are naturally burdened with decisions like this and society thinks its better to give women the choice because they wont disturb the balance.

I had to make a decision too when I moved back to follow my dreams. It was not an easy decision and even though I am positive it was in the right direction, anything could go wrong and I would be missing out on love. (I might even be blamed for it)

I feel the man in my case was brave enough to give me the confidence to go after what I wanted and that he would support me and follow. I know there isnt an ideal scenario in this situation, but reading your post I realized I am a lucky girl and I do have somebody who regards me an equal in every way.

Good Luck on your journey!
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  I agree – relatives tell me to pursue my education right now (as I’m not married or even engaged) but tell me that once I do get married, I should settle down and follow my husband so as to start a family. I completely disagree with that. I see my relationship now as no different as a marriage to be quite honest. Marriage is just a piece of paper, love and commitment is what matters in a relationship. So anyway, I don’t think I see marriage as a reason to sacrifice my career either.
  
  And to be quite honest, I don’t want the man I love to sacrifice for me, either. I want both of us to follow our dreams, and it is very hard to reconcile that with being in the same place
  - Geet
    
    Yep! Culturally we are in a very different place.. like you mentioned in one of your previous posts.. all the aunties and family and what they think.. It was easier for us to make a decision by thinking what’s best for the both of us in the long run. If he/ me were not happy in what we are doing, we will bring that into our relationship and that frustration will be tougher to deal with. So the risk and short term sacrifice seems worth it. (Lets talk again in a couple of years!) haha..
    oh yea.. I am experiencing long distance two continent, two very different time zones relationship right now.. and lets just say its not the easiest! I think a strong friendship, understanding priorities and giving in to occasional tantrums is the way to go
    - http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
      
      Wow, good luck with the long distance! It sounds very difficult but I am sure that with your love and support, and working together, you will get through it all and come to a better place with one another And I completely agree with your point —
      “if he/ me were not happy in what we are doing, we will bring that into our
      relationship and that frustration will be tougher to deal with” <— This is what I struggle with. I don't want us to compromise because I am afraid it leads to resentment, and unhappiness in the long run.
http://parisianfeline.wordpress.com Tatiana

As always – I love your writing! So awesome This post is excellent.

I think that for most women, they expect to be the ones who compromise and sacrifice. There’s no cultural expectation there for men, so we have this cyclical situation. And I think it was Penelope Trunk who said that there’s never a good time in your career to have a baby, so even the idea of “cutting back” doesn’t help anyone. You miss out on advancing your career, while attempting to create a space that’s based on this idea that parenthood fits into a comfortable life package.

I grew up a latchkey kid – and while I don’t think is screwed me over developmental wise, I wouldn’t say that other kids like that don’t come away unscarred. Or feeling unloved or unwanted. You’re missing out on something – regardless of any decision you make – because you also can’t experience all things at once. So if you choose love/marriage over career, then you’ll miss out and vice versa.

Personally, I would chase a career and professional happiness. I think a job is more interesting than a relationship. And I think there’s an unnecessary overemphasis on companionship and physical intimacy when you talk about choosing anything over dating. But if by some series of strange events I meet someone, they’ll have to understand that my career is really important and won’t be sacrificed. Hopefully though, I’d meet someone who shares my philosophy so it won’t be as much of an issue. But if it came down between hunting love/marriage versus hunting a career – I’ll always choose the career.
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Thank you, Tatiana, for the very kind words! I love your words as well and am so glad I found your blog on the internet.
  
  I agree. There is definitely a cultural expectation for women and especially in South Asia. I see this in my family too, where I always see the woman give up her career/life/family to be with the man after a marriage, especially arranged marriage. There is absolutely no talk of compromise, which makes me sad.
  
  I do think though that having experienced love, your feelings might change completely. Right now you have not, so your thoughts are on career/professional success (how I was at 16 – I thought I’d pursue career and never thought about the possibility of falling in love). But now, at 22, I have fallen in love, and this shifted my world, my view on life, and changed me so much to the point I am considering sacrificing for love. Because to me, love equals happiness. I’ve never been SO happy as when I am with the one I love. I don’t think any professional happiness will replace that, which I can say after my short career. Who knows. Maybe there is a dream job out there, but honestly I wonder if that will satisfy me as much as love will.
  
  Then again, I am torn, because I want to pursue my dreams, too. There really is no easy choice!
  - http://parisianfeline.wordpress.com Tatiana
    
    Oh you’re welcome! I love your blog and I’ve learned a lot. :]
    
    I think also, as a nation, America hasn’t come to a point where it doesn’t criminalize women who wanting to work instead of staying at home. Families don’t get a lot of support in this country, which I think can make it all the more difficult to find a balance. So I guess by cutting back, women feel more in control of their lives versus their boss making their lives miserable. Which is pretty horrific too.
    
    Hehe. I’m the 16 version of you. But – you are very right. I’ve never been in love, or in kind of romantic relationship, so I don’t really know what it’s like to have that. So I focus my attention on getting other types of experiences that admittedly, I feel I can control. And I hesitate to say that I’ll ever fall in love which drives my desire to work on myself and my career all the more.
    
    The choice is definitely difficult!
http://www.leslieforman.com Leslie Forman

Well said. I’m so happy to see you conquering your fear of writing about love, and sending this heartfelt and tactful piece of writing into the world. It is a question I ask myself a lot, though not necessarily in the context of a specific lover or goal.

My mom has run her own marketing consultancy for as long as I can remember, but she also always insisted on working part-time, and always put family and other social activities very high on her priority list. She also always tells me, “nothing is perfect, but this works for me at this point.”

I know many people who have moved abroad for love, and then found ambition there (not as many the other way around, but perhaps this is related to the countries where I have worked.)

Good luck with your tricky decisions. I’ll be thinking of you.
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Thank you — it was all your support that gave me the courage to put this out there and press ‘publish’! All of my Twitter friends mean so much to me because of this strong support
  
  I think as more and more young women of our generation begin to put their careers first, this question is going to become more common as we women grapple with career v. love questions.
  
  It is true — nothing is perfect. But I wish I could arrive at a solution where both I + my significant other could be following our hearts/passions, and also be together (at least for a good part of the year…!)
  
  Then again, as you say, life is not a ‘linear’ path. You could change your path and follow your love, and end up finding something even more meaningful. I guess this is where the risk is involved! Perhaps I should be willing to take that risk
  
  Thank you!
almostclever

Great post, as always

I think as whole people who love fully, the best sacrifice is for both to sacrifice. For both to show their love, dedication – and willingness to compromise. It is possible to have love and achieve one’s dreams, in fact – I think it can be easier when there is someone else. The only difference is that it may be more delayed than just doing what we want when we want. For example, my dream was to attend grad school and become a masters level social worker. I married my hubby during our undergrad and when we graduated we were so broke there was no way we could think of grad school or him supporting me. But we both knew it was my dream in life, so 2 years later when he had the money he sacrificed for me by working at a job that was not his dream in order to support me getting my masters. My dream is being lived! I am not working and I am focusing on research and classes and field work. He has given so much for me that I want to give to him also. Our plan is that after I graduate it is his turn to decide what he wants and where he wants to chase his dream, and I am ok following my social work dreams from wherever he feels he needs to be, I am also ok working and supporting him should he decide he wants his MBA.

It doesn’t have to be either or, and although there will be the pain of patience – with a loving partner who is a healthy individual that supports you growing and being the best human being you can be – it is not only doable but also more meaningful.

I think you can have both Akhila, and excel at your job while also loving deeply! Feel him out, see where he stands as far as what sacrifice means to him. Express your desires and deep needs, and watch his love unfold.

You’re beautiful!
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  It is wonderful to learn from your wisdom and your experiences. It sounds like both of you were really able to grow and are supporting one another in following your passions and dreams. That is so exciting and ideal, and I really am happy to see things work out like that for you. I hope that I too can have something similar and figure out how we can both be together *and* pursue our passions.
Penelope

Akhila,

I can really relate to this post. I met my partner when we were both living in Vancouver. He had to move back to Toronto, where he’s from, for work reasons, at an early point in our relationship where there was no question about “sacrificing” anything for one another. Then, after 6 months of long distance, I ended up quitting my job and moving there to be with him. I had no friends, no job, no working papers… It was pretty scary. Like you, I have dreams and ambitions that I have been nurturing for a long, long time. I was scaring myself! I kept telling people who asked “Why did you move to Toronto?” – “because I followed a man there…. Something I never thought I would do!” 18 months later, I found a job that works really well for me, and I feel like the original “sacrifice” isn’t really a part of the equation anymore… if that makes sense.

I think what you have to realize is that talented, smart individuals – like yourself and your partner – will succeed in a lot of different places and scenarios. I’m not one to say “follow him wherever he goes”, but I think I’ve also come to realize that finding true love is something absolutely worth holding on to. Jobs come and go, careers have ups and downs, but true love is a constant and will be there for you.

The other important point is that relationships are all about compromise – not just in the sense that you are talking about in this post, but in the day-to-day. You can’t be absolute and dogmatic in a relationship; there is an other person who also has needs and dreams and things they want to accomplish. So both parties need to recognize the centrality of compromise.

If you plan ahead and know that you want to be together, it might mean that one of you compromises for a year, or two or three, while the other follows a fantastic opportunity. As I’m writing this comment, I asked my partner: “If some great opportunity came up somewhere for me, would you follow?” and he nodded, and said “of course”. So it’s give and take. You’re SO young and life is not linear, as somebody else pointed out. When love is in the equation, you might be taking detours, but ultimately there is nothing more empowering than being in a relationship with someone supporting you.

As for people suggesting you “settle down wherever he goes” and start a family, I think that’s not a mode of thinking that will work for you. That’s a sure fire way to make you feel bitter and unhappy about your choices. This is 2011 – men and women are equal! Both need to compromise for each other, constantly.

Have faith in yourself(selves), and if your love is strong, don’t let go of it. Long distance for a period of time is also not the worst thing in the world Skype really is a magical tool!

Bottom line is, don’t look at your career and your love life as opposing forces. Both are central to your life as an adult, and you will just figure out ways to make them function together. For having been following you for the past 2 years, I have a strong sense that you will do really amazing things as your career unfolds, and I’m sure you’ll be able to accomplish your dreams in a lot of different ways, in a lot of different places
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Thanks so much for your wisdom and valuable advice, Penelope. I guess we both have a lot to learn about relationships and compromise. I think everything you are saying makes a lot of sense – it is just difficult to actually put it into practice, at least, for us. Maybe it’s because we’re still young, but it seems like neither of us wants the other to compromise. But at the same time, I realize that compromise on both ends is required if a relationship is to succeed. I really hope things work out for the best and that we can be together, while also pursuing our dreams and passions. And I’ll be mulling over this advice in the meantime. I am so glad the decisions worked out well for you!
http://www.lifeschocolates.com sameve

I think that love is about compromise. Sometimes, we choose to make career compromises in the name of love, and there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as we don’t lose sight of our goals. My now fiance got his first job before I did, and it was in Manhattan. As soon as he got that job, I stopped looking outside New York. Sure, I probably would have had an easier time finding something if I had expanded my search, but after 3 years of long distance, I just wasn’t willing to be apart any longer.

Now, he’s in law school (also in Manhattan). I don’t love my job, but I’m sticking with it as long as I can, and I won’t leave unless I already have something else lined up. Yeah, that sucks a little, but it’s understood that when he’s done with school, it’s my turn. I agree with Penelope. Career and love aren’t necessarily opposing forces. You can find a balance, or at least something that works for you. Just be open-minded and stay true to yourself and what’s important to you.
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Thanks for your grounded perspective. My significant other does not want either of us to compromise right now, which puts me in a difficult position. He’s very career oriented and practically refuses to let me compromise. At the same time, I don’t want him to compromise because I don’t think he would be happy if he did. So, I guess we both know that relationships eventually involve compromise, but neither of us really wants the other to compromise..
http://twitter.com/samirkerala samir

Hi Akhila..
Enjoyed reading your post but i think when it comes to that passionate love whether it be for career or for your significant other, its not really a man-woman equation these days. Quoting a personal example, i had to sacrifice a lot of my ambitions because i fell in love and took up responsibility of the family and had to make a lot of choices in favor of the family than my career. And i am sure there are a lot of men out there who have done the same. The Choice that you are talking about here is really a personal one. What would make “You” happy? thats it. It really doesnt matter whether you are a man or a woman. my comment is for this particular chain of events that you have mentioned in your blog and not in general. I agree that there are a lot of women who have had to make sacrifices when it comes to their career. But i just want to mention that you guys are not the only ones.. we also do
Also i believe that women in the developing world still suffer from the “inertia” of the past when it comes to feminism. Things have changed. Especially for the smart , confident, women of today. I hope in the days to come there would be no need for the word “Feminism” and that Women will continue to make leaps that they are making in making this world a better place to live.
Regards,
samirkerala

PS: I just scrolled down and noticed that there are a lot of women who have commented on this. I hope i am not the the odd-man-out. Was just stating my thoughts on your blog..
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Thanks a ton for your thoughts Samir. I really appreciate a different perspective! I certainly did not mean to offend (I was worried about that when I wrote this, actually) men or insinuate that men do not sacrifice for their loves and their families – certainly, compromise is a part of any relationship. I think it is becoming more and more common! I guess it’s just that personally, I have seen a lot more pressure on women (e.g. within my own family and friends circle as well) to compromise and move to where their significant others are, and this seems fairly common within South Asia as well.
  
  To me, I agree that it is a personal decision (and a difficult one), but I still think gender matters to some extent. I still think that as a woman, I want to be conscious of that. There is a reason, isn’t there, why there are fewer women at the top?
  
  Of all the members of parliament worldwide, 13% are women. Women only
  make up 15-16% of the top corporate management, and only 20% of the top
  non-profit positions. So, why is this the case? And shouldn’t I be conscious of this when making my decisions?
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Sorry for the multiple questions, but if it is indeed true that “modern” men and women are now equally sacrificing/compromising on their careers then why is it that so few women are at the top?
  
  Also, why is it that women still do twice the amount of housework and three times the
  amount of child care as men do in the home? It is because society is still holding men to the gender roles as well – as the breadwinner and not as the caretaker of home and children. Like it or not, there are differing expectations for men and women in society.
  - http://twitter.com/samirkerala samir
    
    Career is just one of the many aspects of ones lives. I believe so. I think women today are a lot more influential than they were a decade ago and i am confident that in the days to come its going to be even better. I have nothing to argue against what you have said. You have stated facts that are true and i have been working on an event mapping website which tracks Gender Issues in India. I shudder when i read about such events and put them on the map. A man drinks his own wife’s blood because her family did not give him the promised dowry years after marriage. Dowry Murders. Rape. Abuse. A group of men who drive into a Womens Hostel and abuse the girls there. Horrid. I started mapping them out on a map to share it with others and also to build up data so that i can better understand why the dowry killings are more prevalent in some parts of India and not in Others. Is there a geographical factor that needs to be seen. At present i am only mapping out current crimes against women in India. Soon, I will be adding Helplines and details of NGOs that women can connect with seek Justice and Legal Action against men. Thats one reason i was very interested in your blogs. The Justice viewpoint that you have in your thoughts. It makes a lot of sense to me.
    
    I understand that Society as it is, wont change in a day. it will take its time. But i am confident that with better laws and stronger enforcement, we can catalyse that change and bring a lot of momentum into it. I hope that in the days to come, i will be able to map out all events of crime against women in India and be able to analyse it and share it with People who can give their own perspective about it.
    
    I know i went out of topic with my post here. But I am really someone who is very well aware of the gender bias that we face in the Society today. The comment i made earlier was just something that i had noticed in the corporate world. I have met a lot of women in the higher management who were doing awesome work. And i am sure that in days to come, the numbers are going to get much better.
    
    You can visit my site at http://www.maps4aid.com Its very basic and is powered by opensource Ushahidi Engine. Feel free to Visit the site. You will find a Category Filter to the right side of the map. You can Click on “Gender” and the reports will come up on the map as an Icon. You can click through various categories within gender and specific reports will come up in the Map. Click on the Markers on the map and report link will show up. You can click on these to get to the full story.
http://www.clareherbert.ie Clare Herbert

I loved this post. Reminds me very much of my own story. There are times that I look around and wonder how a girl from the bogs of Ireland ended up in India! As for life choices, I think all young women face big questions. The demands to be well educated, well traveled, professionally successful and prepared to settle down and have children are unrealistic. Sadly, I think it’s pressure that women put on other women. For me, I do wonder how to build a career that won’t impact too much on my lifestyle if I were to start a family. My instinct is to always follow my heart, and know that it will work out in the end. C x
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Completely agree. We women have so many demands on us: being professionally successful, while also taking care of the home, having a family, caring for and raising children. How is it possible to do everything? We need to reduce the pressure on women and allow them to simply choose for themselves and choose what makes THEM happy, not what society wants them to do.
Farain J

Hi Akhila,

I enjoyed reading your post, it relates to me very well. From my experience, it is about taking turns or give and take. Like most of the other advice you received, making this decision may seem difficult but a balance can still be achieved. Continue communicating and discussing with your partner about the options available. It is possible to come to a consensus together. Most importantly, no matter how hard it may seem, keep cool and have faith in your relationship. Remember; when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Far’ain (Singapore)
- http://akhilak.com/blog Akhila
  
  Far’ain, thanks so much for this wonderful advice. I will definitely keep this in mind as we go through life. You are right, it is all about give and take. It takes a lot of compromise!
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